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The times are a changing.

I received a comment on a post that I had written like 2 years ago. It prompted me to write another entry. I wouldn't say I completely forgot about LiveJournal but it definitely wasn't something I thought about regularly.

It's weird how things change so rapidly the older you get. Time travels way faster than I thought possible when I was 7 or 8. Summer dragged on and on, which was amazing. There were endless days of winter. That feels about the same!

I've been writing my dad. Which is quite a big deal to me. I didn't think I would speak to him again. In a twisted way I enjoy hearing from him which is something I have to come to terms with all on its own.

I find it weird/interesting how one thing can be said and then be twisted in such a different direction it is unrecognizable by its original purpose. This didn't happen to me but to a friend of mine. It's a lesson I have already learned but that surprises me still when it happens. A constant reminder that it can be a cold world out there after all.
It's been a while. I'm just getting ready for lunch. I read an old journal entry the other day and it is crazy to me how different everything is now. I'm really thankful for Shannon. Things with Greg are going well, thank goodness. If it fails again I'm for sure giving up. I feel like we both are really trying now, we put in a lot of effort. I wish sometimes that he would apologize for some things. Maybe we can work on that and I can apologize to him too. Lunch time!

Life is good.

It's Christmas Eve but I'm working overtime. I volunteered to! Everything is good right now. I finished college, I have a job, I just got a new car, I'm with the love of my little life. Life is the most complete it has been I think ever. All that's left is to get a house of my own.

Winter Blues.

I forgot how fucking slow dial up is. I hate this time of year. It's too cold for my iron defficient blood. I am having trouble waking up for school in the morning. Maybe not the waking up part but the part where I have to leave my bed.

I went to the barn today. Usually that's not a big deal but this time it was. I haven't been in a long time. I'm not proud of that and I think about going everyday. My retarded mom is such an embarassment that I haven't gone for over a month. I groomed my horse, put on his new halter, and looked for Doug to give him his coffee. He wasn't there so I left. I saw him on my way home, we talked for a second. He asked when he's going to see me next so I told him maybe this weekend. I hope I can this weekend. I made it about 100 meters before I started crying my eyes out. It's not that I don't want to ride but I think that I know I'm going to lose it all so I don't want to get attached. That's not the only reason, the other reason is I think I feel like I'm abondoning Joshua when I leave for those two hours to go to the barn. I'm abondoning him and leaving him with my mother and in that house I call hell. I don't know. I'm trying to figure this all out. I love horses, I know that much, there's just something keeping me from it.

Other than that, everything else is pretty shitacular here in hell. I hate where I'm at right now. I feel bitter but a little happy. It's like I'm content but hating something. I am hating how nothing stays the same. Things change faster than we all can notice and by the time we do it's too late to say anything. I hate how my life is going in cycles. Cycles with relationships, friends, emotions, and energy. I'm just getting sick of dating fucking people for no fucking reason. We date, we break up. We date, we break up. That's all that ever happens. Also, WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I FEEL FOR SOMEONE ELSE WHAT I FELT FOR GREG? It's been a fucking year, okay one day short of a year, and I still think about him every day. At least now I think of him differently but I never feel that excitement and instant rush of feelings. It's like I have to work for it now. I just keep putting my head in my hands.

Enough for now. I'm done.

A house is not a home.

My mom is in one of those moods again. Fuck I hate when she's like that. I wish I could get out of here so bad. She was telling me to go to Dan's and stuff..but I can't because we ended last night.. At least I think we did.


I'm in school. I have to wait for my bus. I'm not really sure what I feel like writing or if I even have anything to talk about. I hate how life is so up and down.

All over the place.

My mind is all over the place. I'm not sure if I can even come up with anything to write about but I thought I'd at least give it a try.

I am really excited for school. The campus just amazed me. It is much greater than I had expected which is nice because I always thought the college I picked wasn't as nice as it actually is. I wonder how much I will see Greg there and if I do what will that be like? Do I just keep walking? Do I just say "hey" and keep walking? Or do I talk to him? See if he will be my friend? I will have to wait and see.

Things with Dan are going good. It's weird because when I can't have more with him I want it but when he wants more with me it's not what I'm looking for. He's super funny though. We spend the whole night laughing and joking no matter what we're doing. It's really nice having him right now.

I think I should get some sleep or give myself a pedicure or something. I'll write all about my first day.

Life Interrupted.

Luke was really amazing and got me John Mayer tickets. The concert is tonight. I'm super excited! Last night was going really great. Luke and I got along really well all weekend. We were having a lot of fun and then once again Greg texts.
The text converstation:
"How's it going?"
"Awesome. You?"
"Good. Why so good?"
"Just hanging out with friends. Really good vibe. Makes me really happy"
"Where's Josh?"
"At home in bed. Why?"
"Cause I saw a pregnant girl at the bar tonight smoking and drinking and I saw a girl bring her one year old to the bar looking for her boyfriend at 11. It made me sad."
"Sorry that killed your night. Do you miss Josh?"
"I already told you before. I treated him as my own. [...] Nothing more needs to be said."
"[...] People screw up..."
"And some cuts are deep enough to kill you."

I fell asleep after I got that and woke up with no new texts. I don't really know why he is sending me texts like this. I texted him this morning saying that everything wasn't my fault and that other people can accept Joshua as their own as well. Also that if Joshua and I were what he wanted he would still have us now. I wish for once in his life he would straight out say what he's trying to say. He always words it all weird but can never just say "I like you." "You hurt me." He drives me crazy.


I just found out I have been accepted to both the programs I applied to which cheers me up a little! Luke and I made up a bit last night. He was playing guitar at Jerrett's and he just sounded so amazing and looked so great. It made me really happy that he is my boyfriend.

On a more angry note, Lauren and I had a "falling out" today. This time though we are no longer friends. She just makes me so aggravated because I have never met someone so fake. Jane said that she wasn't a very good rider at all but the funny thing was that I wasn't asking something about her it was a different person but Jane thought I was asking about Lauren and said a bunch of stuff saying that she didn't even have a clue. I guess knowing that makes me feel better. I just want to scream though. Honestly, Lauren, like the world is not perfect and you wont be sheltered forever. She was trying to blame some stuff on me and I just lost it because she's a big girl she makes her own fucking decisions and she's done a lot worse than me in some things and yet they are "my fault". Like fuck that. Yeah, I must have been pushing your head down onto Matt's dick to make you suck it while you had a boyfriend. That must be my fault. Go fuck yourself.

Lots of rage.